It's been a strange couple of weeks. I caught up with my enlistment coordinator while I was in the 'hood, thinking that if I asked her a few questions in person, I could get the answers I needed without having to play phone tag. Fortunately, she seemed in the right mood for a little bit of a diversion from other work, so we had a bit of a chat. Unfortunately, the 24-page security clearance forms that I thought were sent to me by mistake, still have to be filled in by me. I was told to be thankful that I'm only getting Confidential and not Top Secret clearance, but I am still wondering how many forms it would really take to convince anyone that one is not a terrorist or another variety of threat to national security.
I've learnt to stop thinking or saying that after a certain amount of paperwork is out of the way, I'm properly in. It seriously doesn't seem to end, and I know now that even after enlistment, there's still going to be more. I used to be one of those freaks that dig filling in forms, but I'm coming round now...
People have commented on how soon I'm leaving, which made me get off my butt to look at a calendar, now that I'm within counting-down-of-days range of my target. I don't know whether this was a particularly good idea or not, because it's only 24 to go. I keep trying to talk myself out of my tree by repeating that I don't have many things to buy, or that much to clean, or many affairs to sort out, and I'll be back in the state in ten weeks anyway. I have a feeling that other people are getting more excited and wound up on my behalf, which is a contrast to me just trying to stick my head down and live the rest of my civilian days well, as much like a civilian as possible.
I'm trying my best to stay low key at work, because I don't really want to bond too well with these guys before I leave them in a smattering of days, and I was totally burnt at my last job because I said I was getting enlisted soon. I don't even remember mentioning my enlistment date to the last employer, but I got the idea that they pretty much got rid of me before I could get rid of them, it was just a matter of time. I know that I'm easily replaceable at the current job, and they seem to be good guys of the sort I wouldn't normally intend to screw over by buggering off at short notice, but I really need money until I get whisked away. That's all there is to it.
It's been weird thinking about time in terms of 'in a few weeks'. I've looked at the diary that I've halfheartedly scrawled random appointments and happenings into so far this year, and it's like the next few months are going to either stay blank because I'll be busy training with guns and/or knives, or be blocked out with definite engagements such as catching up with homies or you know... graduation! The past few times I've seen friends, there's all sorts of things going on in their lives what with jobs, travel, houses and love, and in this moment I feel quite static.
I know it's odd to look at my peers and almost envy their flexibility and freedom to have such dynamic, unstructured lives, when there have been times in my own life where I've had the same opportunity and felt either lost or snowed under with mere possibilities. Even though all it takes is a breath and a moment to realise that my life isn't set in stone yet, it just feels like that in comparison to me faffing about for the last five years or so, I can't help but feel a little lame thinking about what books to take along with me to boot camp. Or what stationery I should buy to write letters back home on. Or whether I should shave my head or practice doing my hair in a military-compliant style.
I'm tricking myself into believing that it's going to be more boring than I think it will be, in case I get all hyped up for something that won't meet let alone exceed my expectations. I have a terrible habit for psyching myself into and out of things as I'm anticipating them. I'll usually throw myself headfirst into whatever in order to avoid the anticipation phase, and that actually works better for me most of the time. If I could figure out how to only talk things up when I'm nervous, that'd be pretty sweet.
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