you're fat - I'd sugarcoat it for you, but you'd probably eat that too

There's nothing more sobering than having to do a military medical checkup. Part of being in the service is being deployable, and the umbrella of requirements that enable an Airman/woman to be of such status is called Individual Readiness.

This morning I was due to chase up an Annual Health Assessment, which apparently has now been changed to a five yearly check, as long as things are on track and nothing has to be monitored during periods shorter than that time. I like to think of myself as being relatively in shape (I can always improve, but I'm definitely feeling healthier and fitter than I was back in Cerberon), and generally in good nick,
healthwise.

However, there is one sure thing to get me down about military health checks, and it comes down to three letters of doom: BMI. For those not in the know, the Body Mass Index is meant to be a rough guide to how much physical space one takes up, compared to how much one probably should. You figure it out by getting your weight and dividing it by your height squared. Then you look up whatever number you get on a specified chart, and hope that you've got the winning number.

Now, I realise that BMI isn't the be all and end all of whether someone's not within a healthy weight range, because it doesn't account for body types, muscle mass, particularly short or tall people, etc. But it still embarrasses me to be an active human in the RAAF (supposedly some of the fittest people in the country?!) and still
register as obese or overweight according to BMI. Even when I was at my lightest, just after finishing boot, I still would have been classed as overweight. Fortunately, there were other measurements that could be taken of me in order to get enlisted, and for BMI not to be a life sentence or anything like that.

However, something that struck me this morning, was answering the question which was one of the indicators for further discussion with the medical officer - 'Have you experienced any significant change in weight?' And I realised that I have gained almost 10kg in the six or seven months since recruit training. On one hand, I was bound to regain some weight lost from boot because I was eating so little and doing so
much compared to normal, but on the other hand, I haven't been eating that much puff pastry since I left Edinburgh.

I told the medical officer that I was changing over my contraception method to see if it's just a bad case of wacky hormones, seeing as I haven't had major weight gain/loss problems when taking oral contraceptives. I've also lost some weight since posting in here, probably because I'm eating proper meals whenever possible, snacking less, and a decent distance from junk food. I know I've been more active here than at Cerberon, but I haven't been anywhere near as hardcore as I was during boot, so who knows.

Apparently on base there is a weight clinic, where I guess it's like a ghetto Weight Watchers, having to weigh in regularly and get advice on weight loss and maintenance. Considering I used to work for WW and I know that being accountable for food intake and energy expenditure, as well as having the support from something other than yourself and non-interactive resources, all helps you get to where you want, but
still. It hasn't been that long since I accepted the body I'm living in - I'm not sure I'm ready to get really angry with it again.

See, I'm not one of those people that can detach the psychological bent from food and weight. I guess I'll always have these food demons within me festering away somewhere beneath the surface, but for the most part, I try to not let food control me. I can let myself get stuck into exercise to any point of obsession, but when it comes to food, I could never be one of those eat to live people. I just enjoy it too much. I
think there's nothing better to take the fun out of food than by counting calories, keeping food diaries, and being completely anal about what goes into my mouth.

Don't get me wrong. I understand that an awareness of what one eats is as essential as knowing what physical training to do. Treating food like a numbers game just bothers me. Almost as much as technically not being fit enough to do my job (wherein I am employed to be deployable). I can still remember the sinking feeling in my gut when at my pre-enlistment medical, despite being measured up to be acceptable for entry, the nurse tut tutted and said that I could get in the RAAF, but I should still work at losing some weight.

The paradox for me is that the more I try to concentrate on losing weight, the more emphasis I place on what the numbers on the scales say, the worse I seem to be at actually shaking it off. The times in my life when I have lost the most weight successfully have been when I was busy doing other things - like the first time I juggled two hospitality jobs and literally worked my butt off waiting tables most of the week, or the more recent example of boot camp where I was more focused on keeping my weapon and boots clean than what size my pants were.

So I'm kind of conflicted. I don't know whether to bite the bullet and get as much help on hand as possible to get rid of this weight once and for all. Or to do what I'm doing (I've been on a losing streak since I got here), hope that hormones had some part to play in it, and see how I go over the next couple of months. I know so much of this is a pride thing, but I'm no longer in denial about the situation.

I was telling the medical officer about everything I've been doing, and even on paper it seemed to her like I wasn't doing anything obviously detrimental to my health or weight loss plans. I think I'm headed in the right direction, but I'm not sure that I can handle anyone else giving me advice that I've already heard (and given myself!) before.